Note: This site is now defunct. Please visit For The Girls Instead!
What are the benefits of
tying your man's penis to a piece of string? Well, obviously
you can then take him for walks without having him sniffing
at the rear end of anything that passes by.
Women's
Porno is also able to offer other useful suggestions, but
there's plenty more than just penis-origami at this impressive
women's sex site.
I particularly enjoyed
the naked man in gallery 23. He had this peculiar look on his
face right at the moment of orgasm... like he'd forgotten to
put the cat out. Fenwick used to look like that a lot, especially
in his later years, when he regularly forgot to let the cat
out.
I should let you know right
now that Womens
Porno wins as far as value for money goes. A trial membership
lasts for 3 days and costs $2.95... but the best thing is that
you then get FREE ACCESS to 21 other porn sites.
My pension doesn't go far,
so I was quite pleased with this deal. Just for curiosity sake
I went over to Fetish Hospital... it was rather extreme, I must
say. I watched a video of a woman having sex with a metre-long
blue dildo... her expression was a little hard to describe,
but the doctors inserting the thing seemed to find it quite
a lot of fun.
It brought to mind a rather
nasty experience I had in hospital, after Fenwick and I experimented
with a particularly impressive German sausage...
Well, anyway dears, Womens
Porno is a very large site, and if you're curious about
what goes on in paysites, this is probably the one to try, because
you get to find out what all those dirty men are looking at
as well.
Note: This site is now defunct. Please visit For The Girls Instead! |
Hello My
Dears!
Everyone knows that
when you've got a problem, you ask someone wrinkly. Well, here
you go. Got a terribly embarrassing sexual problem you can't
tell your doctor about? Ask Grandma.
I'm 35 and have
been married for over ten years. Lately it seems that
our sex life has become rather boring. How can I spice it up?
- Bored.
I've found the best
thing for putting the zing back into your marriage is electrodes,
preferably strapped to the nipples. When Fenwick and I
were rating a zero on the scorchimeter we discovered that there's
a lot you can do with a car battery and a pair of jumper leads.
Of course, they've got those new fangled especially-created
electrodes that you can buy from some sex shops, but I find
they don't produce the same zappy happiness as old fashioned
near-electrocution.
What exactly are
"golden showers"? - Curious.
I believe it's an
ancient Latin term for urinating on someone during sex, often
into their mouths. This practice originated during the
war when there was a champagne shortage. Much rarer during
sex is the "technicolor shower", although it is often
seen at colleges after a few kegs. Meanwhile, the "green
shower", given by someone with a severe headcold, and the
"ear wax shower" are so rare as to not actually exist
at all.
How do I get grass
stains out of white trousers? Also, I'm only just learning
how to orgasm. Is there a sure-fire masturbation technique for
women? - Learner.
I heartily recommend
a washing machine, on both counts. I once owned an absolute
cracker of a Hoover that used to have me in ecstasy for most
of the washday. By the time I'd finished sitting on it,
it had jiggled halfway across the laundry. And if that doesn't
work, dye the trousers lime green.
Amir's Wedding
Dear mama!
Hello! How r u? I’m getting married in couple of weeks.
I have no idea how to start up with my wife. Can you please
tell me step by step what should I do when every one leaves
us alone I mean what should I say to her or how do I start to
create her mood for sex. How should I start? What
is the first thing I should do or say to her that shows me that
she wants to have sex. How can I make her body temperature
rise from normal. How would I know if my wife is ready for sex.
Please tell me every thing from A to Z, step by step.
I will wait for your answer anxiously. Thank you so much
for your time.
Bye
Amir
Thanks for writing. Grandma Scrotum's
is more of a humour site than anything else, but I'm willing
to take your letter seriously. Anyone as keen to please a woman
as you needs to be taken seriously.
I'm assuming you're a virgin, but
you know the basic facts. If you don't, I recommend you visit
The-Clitoris.com,
and it's a good factual site about sex, especially what women
want from sex. It also has a lot of good links. I really recommend
you visit it.
If you've seen a porn video, or
a sex site for men, you should not assume your wife will act
like the women in those situations. Women don't have orgasms
simply through intercourse.
Don't be afraid to talk. Say that
you love her. If you're nervous, tell her - she's probably nervous
too. Ask her what she wants. Speak quietly and lovingly. Reassure
her that you won't hurt her. Set out to explore each other gently.
Kiss and hug her. A lot. Stroke
her hair. Undress her slowly. Run your fingers across her stomach,
enjoy the feel of her skin. Touch her breasts gently. Suck them
gently. If your wife is aroused by then, her genitals should
become moist, and her nipples will swell.
The big thing to remember is the
clitoris. As long as you touch or lick or tickle it, your wife
should be happy. Be gentle to begin with. Ask her how she wants
you to touch it.
You should also remember that she
may be shy, embarrassed or scared, and this will affect how
well she responds to sex. The more relaxed she is, the easier
to please she will be. A good lover thinks about how his partner
is feeling, and responds to that.
Finally, if she is a virgin, be
extremely gentle when you finally begin intercourse (I recommend
you spend at least 15 minutes beforehand touching her and arousing
her).
If she has not had an orgasm, don't
worry. It takes practice, and you will learn over time. Ask
her if it was OK, ask if she feels satisfied. If she doesn't,
go for the clitoris again. You will need patience – a woman's
orgasm can be many minutes in coming.
Good luck with your marriage. Remember,
communication is the key.
Grandma Scrotum
PS
- So many people have asked real questions that I've put them
in a separate section - Grandma
Scrotum's REAL Sex Advice.
|
Grandma
Recommends...
Ms Naughty's Toy Store is
full of washing-machine substitutes that fit into the bedside
drawer far better. They cannot, however, help with stain removal
problems.
Sex toys
have come a long way, my dears, since my old hand-turned wooden
BigBoy came out on the market. Oh, yes, it's all moulded silicon
and nuclear power these days. Here's some you may find useful.
I'll stick to the Electric Bakelite version myself.
Julie
Ashton's Pocket Rocket
 As
far as I know, Julie Ashton has never been into space, so this
is not some kind of miniature space shuttle. Seems such a pity,
really. In any case, it IS a small vibrator that can be taken
anywhere, and offers up the opportunity to use the classic come-one
line: "I've got a rocket in my pocket AND I'm happy to
see you."
Vibrating
Panties
 This
is a newer version of my own invention. Back in the 50's I hooked
up my big white Cottontails to the washing machine via a pair
of electrodes. Sure, it put me in hospital for a week, but when
I got home, my dear late husband Fenwick didn't know what hit
him. In any case, these modern vibrating panties are often used
by female politicians to relieve the boredom of day-to-day negotiation.
I believe Hilary Clinton popularised them back in the early
90's.
There's plenty
more whizz-bang, new fangled sex toys at Ms Naughty's Toy Store.
And lots of novelties too. I like the erotic games section.
Didn't have those back when I was married. Fenwick and I were
forced to play erotic scrabble, and it ruined many a romantic
evening, I can tell you. |
